(fake must have solutions for pets of all ages)

essential Products for dogs + cats

All the marvelous products you first saw on

Revolutionary New Products

Mailman Pit

Mailmen Pit:  the essential tool to trap your local postal worker

A new study published in the “New England Journal of Pet-Postal Antagonism” looked at the efficacy of the “Mailmen Pit” in catching and trapping unsuspecting postal workers. A rather simple device that only requires minor excavations in one’s front yard close to the mailbox, it proved rather successful in providing hours of joy for the average canine.

It’s specificity approached close to 87 %, meaning only 13 % of “false catches” consisted of neighbor kids, uninformed spouses or other friends and relatives.

Blueprints for the roughly 6’ by 10’ feet hole in the ground are available here or at major retailers (shovels and yard not provided).

6’ by 10’ pit. Depth: 3’

Holds three to four postal workers before need to empty

$ 149.99 + shipping

6’ by 10’ pit. Depth: 6’

Holds six to nine postal workers + up to three neighbor kids

$ 169.99 + shipping

Warranty: 6 months. Remember to call before you dig.

Doogle Glass

“Doogle Glasses” (remarkably similar to to Google’s “Glasses”) were introduced at this year’s “Consumer Electronics Show” in Las Vegas, NV. The elegant and unobtrusive device lets dog’s of all sizes and ages have immediate access to important data such as number of squirrels in the neighborhood, exact location of buried bones in the back yard as well as edible contents in the home refrigerator. Future upgrades promise features like maps of fire hydrants and direct links to calendar views of upcoming vet visits including tips how to avoid them.


small:                        $14.99

med :                         $17.99

large:                         $19.99

odd-shaped (pug):    $ 399.99

Auto Lick 2000

Temporary price reduction of the  Auto Lick 2000®, a device for canines that reduces the need of the sometimes aggravating use of one’s own tongue to lick “that itchy, hard to reach spot”. The Auto Lick’s mechanical tongue runs on either rechargeable AA batteries with a average run time of up to 6 hrs or can be plugged into any household AC outlet. 

Testimonials: “Wow, what an experience”, Licorice, an 8 year old dachshund, stated. “Now, if I only hadn’t be neutered”.

Different attachments to the device allow for auto brushing of teeth, expression of anal glands or the temporary use as a kitchen toaster.

$ 229.99 incl. all attachments

Toaster attachment available in chrome and black

The Pet Pod!

Solution for Orthopedic Prophylaxis

Have you ever wanted to drop your guard and allow your pet to roam without the headache of orthopedic trauma from speeding vehicles and towering cliffs? Well, wait no more. Your dream is now your reality.  

This dynamic, custom, protective armor with partially articulating joints comes in a variety of sizes for all of our four-legged adventurers. Your pet is sheathed, the pod is inflated, and insto-presto, your pet is protected from blunt-force trauma of most varieties! Fully vetted by our cadre of rough and tumble canines and explorative felines, The Pet Pod goes where your pet goes. 

Gone are the pesky veterinary orthopedic surgery bills and postoperative xrays. Never again do you have to spend an evening in the ER waiting with bated breath to hear the prognosis for life and limbs. Bid adieu to the management of cumbersome and soggy splints and bandages in the dead of winter.  

Created for the market by Dr. Spaz, foremost expert in a field. Troubled by the inordinate amount of time spent putting on and taking off leashes or opening and closing gates, Dr. Spaz invented this unique and elegant solution for orthopedic prophylaxis. 

$ 129.99, air for inflation not included


Don't ever lose your dachshund in the snow again.

A revolutionary new product was presented at the “North American Veterinary Conference” in Orlando, FL, in February.

“Stilts ®”, a comfortable and easy to use leg elongation item for short legged canines, was one of the most anticipated introductions into the pet health care sector. “Stilts will change the lives of many dachshunds and basset hounds” said Dr. C, a spokeswoman for Callous Canines Manufacturing (CCM ®). “This product easily raises the average wiener dog’s height to between 5’9’’ and 6’8’’. Imagine a squirrel’s utter confusion having an oversized predator staring at it from above. Most pet health insurance plans will cover stilts as an essential and medically necessary tool to aid in our canine’s self esteem”.

Price to be determined after first lawsuits.

Cat Leap Boots

A new pet product has emerged on the publicity scene with quite a splash. Not since Cabbage Patch Kids has there been such a furor in the malls. This reporter was intrigued with the product after reading the latest press release and receiving an alert regarding the 1.5million “shares” this product announcement received on Space Book.

 “Just released for wide distribution…

The much-anticipated release of CatLeap, the spring-loaded cat boots, has taken its final step into the marketplace. You may now purchase these fabulous footwears in retail pet stores, online with Amazon and Alibaba, or direct from the manufacturer, AstroFeet Ltd., for $23/boot.

Cats can now reach altitudes achieved as yet only by adventurous city racoons. Feline flyers will soar and land with impunity. The athletically challenged and the cumbersomely obese mousers will now exert an advantage over the fuzzy rodentia with aerial attacks.”

While the product seemed to perform as advertised, the safety performance numbers were conspicuously missing from all product accounts. This reporter, acting on behalf of fragile felines everywhere, looked deeper into R&D at AstroFeet Ltd.

After much investigation, something more nefarious appears to be afoot. It was discovered that AstroFeet Ltd. is a shell company owned by Drs. Hammers, Slammers and Hitch, all veterinary surgeons practicing under revoked state veterinary licenses and black-list decertification from the Veterinary Surgeons Board. To this reporter, the CatLeap scheme looks to have fluttered right out of a horror flick. The afore mentioned diabolic cutters purposely created a product that would make money on the front end through sales, and on the tail end through surgery services repairing all of the fractured felines.

Save your money and your fuzzy feline honey and avoid the CatLeap boots this summer. This product hype reached heights no feline was designed to achieve.

More Products

The Cat Guillotine

2017 model cat guillotines have been discounted by 50 - 70 %. They can be mail ordered from Crafty Canines® for $ 149.99. A dog spokesperson for the company explained that the device can be directly mounted to any commercially available cat door.


Inspired by the “Back to my Mac” feature that allows you to connect remotely to networked Apple devices, an “IHunt”® device attached to a hunting dog’s collar is now available that links directly to shot waterfowl through the “back to my duck” feature, describes an article in “Callous Canines”. While the exact mechanism is proprietary knowledge of the manufacturer GPS pellets in shotgun shells seem to play a role.

Monthly subscription required. Cost determined by number of ducks and rabbits retrieved.

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Crafty Canines